My thoughts on money:

It's the devil.
I would rather do a job I love and get paid close to nothing than do a job I hate and be rich. I say this because I have experienced both sides of the spectrum, I am not naive when it comes to working. I have worked full time and gone to school full time for the past 4 years.

I would rather be poor than rich. period. I grew up poor. I work hard for what I have, nothing has been handed to me on a silver platter and I prefer it that way. I want to raise my children poor (though I will sacrifice for them to have proper clothing and food). A vibrant imagination is the best toy a parent can give a child.

I don't need nice things to be happy, I never have. But I do greatly appreciate the things I do have and that is whats important.

The hardest part of growing up is following your dreams and not the expectations others have set for you. I want so much for myself, but because it isn't what my friends and family want for me and I am called a fool for striving for my dreams. My heart is not in the states, but my friends and family are. To them, I am meant to be in the states because they are here. I applied to the Peace Corps yesterday and I heard the same thing over and over from those I told, "Why would you do that?"
There is nothing harder than following a dream that your friends and family do not support. All my life I have sought support from those I love. They give it to me when it is something they want me to do. Leaving for two years is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done. Not talking to my friends and family for months, being in a place where no one knows me, where no one shares my memories, where there are no inside jokes, where there are no comforting hugs from an old friend or an Auntie, where I am going to miss out on family reunions, weddings, funerals, and just random good times with old friends, college friends, and cousins.
But this is going to be so strengthening for me, so healing, so empowering. I get the chance to serve those who need to be loved, need to be held, need to be educated. I get to live among another culture for two years, learn their traditions, and most of all, I get to learn there hearts. I get to help a village strive for the resources they need in order to better their community. This is a once in a life time opportunity that i just can't pass up for lack of support from those I love. My life is going to change for the better. Please be happy for me and please try to learn to support me in this.

The Chase

Strike the fear from your eyes
Seize the day
Seize the moment
Steady your hand

And your heart will follow

Open your world to me
Offer your warmth
Offer your compassion
Overturn the barriers

Come embrace me through life

Eternal Prayer

I'm lost in the day

Searching for a clear thought

For peace in my pursuit

Hymns of blessed assurance

Being hummed by my angel

Filling my deaf ears

My soul sings aloud, rejoicing

Eleanor, your song is with me

Through death your prayer survives

Hold me as you did when I was a child
Humming assurance as you rocked
Leaning on the everlasting arms

It is well with my soul.

Your love lives

Why is it that in order for others to believe in you, you have to believe in yourself first. Why can't someone believe in you with such a fierceness that you learn to do it too. Or is it just that those you want to help you believe don't and you see past those who do. And all those 'prized' people in your life put you down in different ways in order to use you and break you down further.

DAMN IT ALL TO MOTHERFUCKING HELL

I am BEAUTIFUL.
I am PRECIOUS.
I am WORTHY.
My HEART DEFINES ME, not my past.
I am THIN enough. I am not fat.
I deserve to be LOVED, not used.
Protect me, love me, hold me tight, kiss my forehead, support my dreams, make me feel beautiful.

FOR I DESERVE ALL THIS AND SO MUCH MORE.

Smoke.

Dry throat
Wet eyes
Bloodshot

Smoke.

No sleep
Caffeine
Nicotine

Smoke.

Rapid beat
Pulsating
Throbbing

Smoke.

It's raining it's pouring my roommate is snoring
My eyes are dry I need to cry
My life is "come early morning"