My life is falling apart piece by piece and I no longer have the strength to try to stop it from destroying me. I was "raped" Christmas night. "ED" has come to visit since my Homer passed away. My Daddy felt the need to choose between me and my mom, but I do not fault him for choosing her only in not seeing that no choice had to be made. I have built my walls so sturdy and strong that I no longer feel the passion I use to feel working with children. Worst of all, I have lost my hope. My hope in there being some sort of meaning in the trials I am suffering.

I use to find meaning in everything and it was the meaning that helped me to heal. Well I have changed my mind. Meaning to trials are like crutches to the healthy. Trials with meanings aid us in an unhealthy fashion. Sure, there is the occasion trial with deep and healing meaning but not every trial has meaning and we cannot wait around for the first thing that comes along that seems as though it would give us an answer to why we suffered.

I suffer because I deserve it. I suffer because I choose to repeatedly make bad and unhealthy decisions. I suffer because I'm broken and I am tired of trying to place meaning where none belongs. I suffer because I choose to.